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The Bulletin Humor & Funny Pics Collection

Much thanks to all of our bulletin contributors, especially Paul Tryson.



The New $1 bill:

Something to remember the historic 2008 Presidential Campaign by:





The New $5 bill:






Praying Together


"Dear Lord: Thank you for bringing me to Timmy's house and not to Michael Vick's."

Humor for Lexophiles (Lovers of Words):

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care center where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone. It is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done

A police man is driving down the road when all of the sudden the freeway 
starts to get backed up. Not long after, he finds himself stuck in traffic 
going about 20 miles an hour. So he drives up around the traffic to see 
what the problem was. 

When he gets to the front, he sees 3 nuns driving in a car at about 20 miles an hour. 
So he pulls them over and lets the traffic get by. He then asks them 
"Do you know the speed limit." 

They answer, "Yes" and they point towards the 22 freeway sign and say 
"We were going 22 miles per hour. 

The policeman shakes his head and says, "No, that's the freeway sign... 
the speed limit sign is over there." And with that he points to the correct MPH sign. 

"Ohhh..." said all of the nuns until the nun in the back starts cracking up. 

"What's wrong" asks the police man... 

The nun replies, "Well, you should have seen us yesterday on the 135!" 


------


A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, 
and everyone inside dies.  As theystand at the Pearly Gates waiting 
to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person 
1 wish because of the grief they have experienced. 

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. 
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. 

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." 
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, 

but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. 
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, 
laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him 
what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: 
"Make 'em all ugly again."
 
Blessed are the Cracked, For they are the ones Who let in the Light!

------

On holiday in Europe, Bert noticed a marble column 
in a church in Rome with a golden telephone on it.  
As a young priest passed by, Bert asked who the telephone was for. 
The priest told him it was a direct line to heaven,  
and if he'd like to call, it would cost one thousand dollars.

Bert was amazed, but declined the offer. 
Throughout Europe, Bert kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. 
At each, he asked about it and the answer was always the same: 
a direct line to Heaven  and he could place a call for a thousand dollars.

Bert finished his European tour in Ireland. 
He decided to attend Mass at a local village church.  
When he walked in the door he noticed the golden telephone, 
but underneath it there was a sign stating:  DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN- 25 cents.

"Father," he said, "I have been all over Europe and in all the 
cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one 
but the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?"

The priest smiled and said,"Son, you're in Ireland now.  It's a local call."

------

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.  
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, 
but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" 
on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, 
he found that his card had been returned.  

Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.  

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock". 

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked".

------
Compared to the Price of Gas...

Gatorade 20-oz $1.59.... $10.17 per gallon
Diet Snapple 16-oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16-oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16-oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12-oz $3.15 ......... $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6-oz $8.35 .. $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4-oz $3.85... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7-oz $1.39....... . $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5-oz $0.99.....$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER... Evian water 9-oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon!
$21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source.
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?  So they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at.....You won't believe it........but it is true.... 
$5,200 a gallon (Five thousand, two-hundred dollars)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on
Water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!!!!!


------


Everything I need to know about life, 
I learned from Noah's Ark.

One: Don't miss the boat. 
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat. 
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. 
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big. 
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. 
Six: Build your future on high ground. 
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs. 
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. 
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while. 
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals. 
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

May your troubles be less,
may your blessings be more, 
and may nothing but happiness
come through your door!


------


Interesting Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Interesting Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

Lesson Learned? - The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope!

------


Gods Garden

Why do I always have to be the one that starts to do laundry and there's no detergent?  
I guess it was time for me to do my "Dollar Store" run, which included light bulbs, 
paper towels, trash bags and Clorox.   So off I go. 

I scurried around the store, gathered up my goodies, a
nd headed for the checkout counter only to be blocked in the narrow aisle 
by a young man that appeared to be about sixteen-years-old. 

I wasn't in a hurry, so I patiently waited for the boy to realize that I was there. 
This was when he waved his hands excitedly in the air and declared in a loud voice, 
"Mommy, I'm over here." 

It was obvious now, he was mentally challenged, 
and also startled as he turned and saw me standing so close to him, 
waiting to squeeze by.   His eyes widened and surprise exploded 
on his face as I said, "Hey Buddy, what's your name?"

"My name is Denny and I'm shopping with my mother," 
he responded proudly. "Wow," I said, "that's a cool name; 
I wish my name was Denny, but my name is Hal." "Hal like Halloween?" he asked. 

"Yes," I answered. "How old are you Denny? 

"How old am I now Mommy?" he asked his mother as she slowly came over from the next aisle. 

"You're fifteen-years-old Denny.  Now be a good boy and let the man pass by." 

I acknowledged her and continued to talk to Denny for several more minutes 
about summer, bicycles and school.  I watched his brown eyes dance with excitement 
because he was the center of someone's attention.  
He then abruptly turned and headed toward the toy section. 

Denny's mom had a puzzled look on her face and thanked me for 
taking the time to talk with her son.  She told me that most people 
wouldn't even look at him, much less talk to him. 

I told her that it was my pleasure and then I said something.  
I have no idea where it came from, other than by the prompting of the Holy Spirit. 

I told her that.... There are plenty of red, yellow and pink roses in God's garden, 
However.... "Blue Roses" are very rare and should be appreciated 
for their beauty and distinctiveness.  

You see, Denny is a "Blue Rose" and if someone doesn't stop and smell that rose 
with their heart and touch that rose with their kindness, then they've missed a blessing from God. 

She was silent for a second, then with a tear in her eye she asked, 
"Who are you?"  Without thinking I said, 
"Oh, I'm probably just a 'daffodil or maybe even a dandelion,' 
but I sure love living in God's garden."

Pastor Hal Steenson - This real life story took place July 12, 2006. 

------

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, 
got together to visit their old university professor.  
Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.  

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and 
returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups--
porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain, some expensive, 
some exquisite--telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said:  
"If you noticed, all the nice-looking, expensive cups were taken, 
leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. 

While it is normal for you to want only the best
for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.  
Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee.  
In most cases, it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.  
What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously 
went for the best cups . . .and then you began eying each other's cups.  

Now consider this:  Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position 
in society are the cups.  They are just tools to hold and contain Life, 
and the type of cup we have does not define nor change the quality of Life we live. 
Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to 
enjoy the coffee God has provided us."  God brews the coffee, not the cups . 

Enjoy your coffee!  The happiest people don't HAVE the best of everything.  
They just MAKE the best of everything they have. 

Live simply, love generously, care deeply.

------


Ode to the Rock of All Ages

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when 
we like to get old is when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited 
about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"  "I'm four and a half!" 
You're never thirty-six and a half.  You're four and a half, going on five!

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.  
You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?"  "I'm gonna be 16!"     
You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life. You become 21. 
Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21.  YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30.   Oooohh, what happened there?   
Makes you sound like bad milk!
He TURNED; we had to throw him out.  
here's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. 
What's wrong?  What's changed?

You  BECOME  21, you TURN  30, then you're PUSHING  40. Whoa!   
Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. 

Before you know it, you REACH  50
And your dreams are gone. But wait!!!   

You MAKE it to 60.  Like you thought you might not see it. 

So you  BECOME  21,  TURN  30,  PUSH  40,  REACH  50  and  MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you  HIT  70!  
After that it's a day-by-day thing;  you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle;  
you HIT  lunch;  you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there.  Into the 90's, you start going backwards; 
"I Was JUST  92."Then a strange thing happens.  

If you make it past 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG:
1.   Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
       Let the doctors worry about them.  That is why you pay "them”! 

2.   Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3.   Keep learning.  Learn more about computers, crafts, gardening, whatever.
     Never let the brain idle.  "An idle mind is the devil's workshop."  
     And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4.   Enjoy the simple things.

5.   Laugh often, long and loud.  Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6.   Tears happen.  Endure... grieve... and move on.  
     The only person who is with us our entire life is ourself.
     Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7.    Surround yourself with what you love...whether it's family, pets, 
      keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
      Your home should be your refuge.

8.    Cherish your health:  If it's good, preserve it.  
      If it's unstable, improve it.  
      If it's beyond what you can improve, get help.

9.    Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, or to the next state;  
      even to a foreign country... but NOT to where the guilt is.

10.   Tell the people you love that you love them... at every  opportunity.

AND  ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, 
but by the moments that take our breath away.
We all need to live life to its fullest each day.

------

Seven Steps to Live By Today!

1. Wake Up!! 
Decide to have a good day. "Today is the day the Lord hath made; 
let us rejoice and be glad in it." 
Psalms 118:24 

2. Dress Up!! 
The best way to dress up is to put on a smile. 
A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.. 
"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. 
Man looks at outward appearance; but the Lord looks at the heart." 
I Samuel 16:7 

3. Shut Up!! 
Say nice things and learn to listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth, 
so He must have meant for us to do twice as much listening as talking. 
"He who guards his lips guards his soul." Proverbs 13:3 

4. Stand Up!! 
For what you believe in. Stand for something or you will fall for anything.. 
"Let us not be weary in doing good; for at the proper time, 
we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 
Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good..." Galatians 6:9-10 

5. Look Up!!
To the Lord. "I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me." Phillippians 4:13 

6. Reach Up!!
For something higher. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, 
and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways, 
acknowledge Him, And He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6 

7. Lift Up!!... Your Prayers. 
"Do not worry about anything; instead PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING." Philippians 4:6 

------


“Dancing With God” 

When I meditated on the word  Guidance, 

I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word.  

I remember reading that doing God's will 
is a lot like dancing.  

 When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.  

The movement doesn't flow with the music,  
and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.  

When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead,  
both bodies begin to flow with the music.  

One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back  

or by pressing lightly in one direction or another.  

It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.   

The dance takes surrender, willingness, and attentiveness from one person  
and gentle guidance and skill from the other.  

My eyes drew back to the word  Guidance.  When I saw "G": I thought of God, 
followed by "u" and "i".  

"God, "u" and "i" dance."  

God, you, and I dance.  

As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust  that I would get  guidance about my life.  

Once again, I became willing to let God lead.  

My prayer for you today is that God's blessings  
and mercies are upon you on this day and everyday.  

May you abide in God, as God  abides in you.  

Dance together with God, trusting God to lead  
and to guide you through each season of your life.  


-----


Smiles from the Bible
              
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter.  She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. 
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. 
Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?        
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"

------

Four Novice Nuns

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.

Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel 
with the Mother Superior and we re about to undergo the 
ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them Brides of Christ.

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, 
long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to 
share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"

One of the Hasidic Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family.”

------

TWENTY THINGS TO REMEMBER 

1. Faith is the ability to not panic. 
2. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you prayed, don't worry. 
3. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home every day. 
4. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape. 
5. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. 
God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot. 

6. Do the math. Count your blessings. 
7. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts. 
8. Dear God: I have a problem. It's me. 
9. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted. 
10. Laugh every day--it's like inner jogging. 
 
11. The most important things in your home are the people. 
12. Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional. 
13. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open. Come on in. 
14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry. 
15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead. 

16. We do not remember days, but moments. Life moves too fast, so enjoy your precious moments. 
17. Nothing is real to you until you experience it; otherwise it's just hearsay. 
18. Its all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done. 
19. Surviving and living your life successfully requires courage. 
The goals and dreams you are seeking require courage and risk-taking! 
Learn from the turtle, it only makes progress when it sticks out its neck. 
20. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. 
Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are. 
 
No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.  
Leave gentle fingerprints on the soul of another for the angels to read.  
I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. 
I want to have lived the width of it as well. 
"Live Life to the Fullest" 

------


God & St. Francis Discuss LAWNS

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. 
What in the world is going on down there on the planet?  
What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? 
I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, 
withstand drought and multiply with abandon.  The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms 
attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds.  I expected to see a vast 
garden of colors by now.  But, all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS; It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.  
They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill 
them and replace them with  grass.

GOD: Grass?  But, it's so boring.  It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies,
birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms.  It's sensitive to temperatures.  
Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord.  They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.  
They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.  
That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST.  FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord.  As soon as it grows a little, 
they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it?  Do they then bail it like hay?
ST.  FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord.  Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it?  Why?  Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite.  They pay to throw it  away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight.  They fertilize grass so it will grow.  
And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we 
cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.  
That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord.  
When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and 
pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense.  At least they kept some of the trees.  
That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.  
The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. 
In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to 
keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. 
It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord.  
The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle.  
As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots 
in the  winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, 
they go out and buy something which  they call mulch. 
They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough!   I don't want to think about this anymore. 
 St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts.  
What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord.  It's a story about....

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

------

Can you read the signs?

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE  LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT  
BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT 
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN  ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. 
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY  CARE ON THE 1st FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL  CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL  DOESN'T WORK)

------


Why, Why, Why...
     
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?    
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?  
 
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? 
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?    
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
  
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?     

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
             
Why is it that no matter what color bubblebath you use the bubbles are always white? 
  
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? 
     
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes 
that something new to eat will have materialized?     
     
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, 
pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?     
    
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?     
     
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?     
     
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars  
but check when you say the paint is wet?

     
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
     
We’ve discussed this before, but why oh why is “abbreviation” such a long word?

The other day at the beach I accidentally stepped on a tetnus shot needle.....now what do I do?
     
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something 
that's falling off the table, you always manage to knock something else over?     
     
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it 
was in summer when we complained about the heat ?     

------

What Is A Grandma?

A Grandma is a lady who has no children of her own, 
so she likes other people’s little girls.

A Grandfather is a man grandmother. 
He goes for walks with the boys and they talk about fishing and things like that.

Grandmas don’t have to do anything except be there. 
They’re so old they shouldn’t play hard. 
It is enough if they drive us to the supermarket where the “pretend horse” 
is and have lots of dimes handy. Or if they take us for a walk, 
they should slow down past things like pretty leaves or caterpillars. 
They should never say “hurry up”.

Usually they are fat but not too fat. They wear glasses and funny underwear. 
They can take their teeth and gums off. It is better if they don’t typewrite 
or play cards, except with us. They don’t have to be smart, only answer questions 
like why dogs hate cats and how come God isn’t married. 

They don’t talk baby talk like visitors do, because it is hard to understand. 
When they read to us they don’t skip words or mind if it is the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television, 
because grandmas are the only grownups who have got time.

By a Third Grader, God Bless her little heart.

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The Biker & The Bridge

A biker was riding along a Welsh beach when suddenly the sky 
clouded over above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,  
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will  grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, 
"Build a bridge to Dublin so I can ride over anytime I want." 

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. 
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. 
The supports required to reach the bottom of the Irish Sea! 
The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. 
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. 

Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me." 
 
The biker thought about it for a long time. 

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. 
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when 
she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means 
when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make her a truly happy woman.  

"The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge? 

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Two Horses 
    
Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it.  
From a distance, each looks like every other horse. 
But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing. 
    
Looking into the eyes of one horse you will discover that he is blind.  
His owner has chosen not to have him put down, 
but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing. 

   
If nearby and listening, you will hear the sound of a bell.  
Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that 
it comes from the smaller horse in the field.  Attached to her halter is a small bell.  
It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her. 
    
As you stand and watch these two friends, you'll see how she is 
always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and 
then slowly walk To where she is, trusting that she will not lead him astray. 
When she returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, 
she stops occasionally and looks back, making sure her friend 
isn't too far behind to hear the bell. 
   
Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because 
we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges.  
He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need. 
Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell 
of Those who God places in our lives.  

Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see. 

Good friends are like this.  
You don't always see them, 
but you know they are always there.
Please listen for my bell . . . And I'll listen for yours. 	

------

The 12 Days of ChristmasThere is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled us. 

What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, 
and especially the partridge who won't come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas?  
Well just read on:

From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted 
to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol 
as a catechism song for the young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning, 
the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. 
Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality 
which the children could remember.

1. The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.
2. Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.
3. Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.
4. The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
5. The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five  books.
6. The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creating.
7. Seven swans a swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit--
Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership and Mercy.
8. The eight maids a milking were the eight beatitudes.
9. Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit--
Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.
10. The ten lords a leaping were the ten commandments.
11. The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.
12. The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles Creed.

So there is your history for today. We found it interesting and enlightening 
and now we know how that strange song became a Christmas Carol.

------

Hmm...Jesus or Santa?

Santa lives at the North Pole ...
JESUS is everywhere.
Santa rides in a sleigh ...
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.
 
Santa comes but once a year ...
JESUS is an ever present help.
Santa fills your stockings with goodies ...
JESUS supplies all your needs.
 
Santa comes down your chimney uninvited ...
JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then 
enters your heart when invited.
You have to wait in line to see Santa ...
 
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.
Santa lets you sit on his lap ...
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.
Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is 
 
"Hi little boy or girl, what's your name?" ...
JESUS knew our name before we did.
Not only does He know our name,
He knows our address too.
 
He knows our history and future and
He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.
Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly ...
JESUS has a heart full of love.
 
All Santa can offer is HO HO HO ...
JESUS offers health, help and hope.
Santa says "You better not cry" ...
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me 
 
for I care for you."
Santa's little helpers make toys ...
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts,
repairs broken homes and builds mansions.
 
Santa may make you chuckle but ...
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.
While Santa puts gifts under your tree ...
JESUS became our gift and died on a tree.
 
It's obvious there is really no comparison. 
We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about. 
We need to put Christ back in CHRISTmas, 
Jesus is still the reason for the season.
 
Yes, Jesus is better
He is even better than Santa Claus.
Merry CHRISTmas!!!
 
------

Apples & Cookies

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. 
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. 
Sister made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 
"Take only ONE. God is watching" 

Moving further along the lunch line, 
at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. 
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."